Melancholy StatE

I feel this melancholy state come over me

Covering my mind to soul like a security blanket

My smiles vanquish beneath the blue of my eyes

Which I close off along with my vivacious spirit

I used to turn to my pen in times of need

Cause all I needed was paper and ink

Now I seem too busy caught in this routine

The days seem to disappear each time I blink

The weeks are an addiction to times pleasure

Shoot up the hours push through its veins

Until months speed by at a quicker pace

Your body grows weary and sick with its pains

You question where have you gone?

Where does your happiness lay?

When the clock is stapled to your wrist

Nagging in your ear the minutes left in your day.

All of your color has faded

Black as the midnight sky

Like those days in Alaska

When the sun says goodnight

No color just shades of gray

No smiles or laughter

Just quiet contemplations

And the emptiness after,

Those things that made me complete

Have drifted from this shore

A mere reflection off in the distance

Soon I won’t see them anymore

I question the things that I have done

And why momentum has carried us to this

Many lonely nights on the couch

Cuddling fear so tightly my faith I sure do miss

I miss you more than anything

It’s not the same when I can’t feel you next to me

It hurts my heart knowing that you don’t feel

When I don’t know of what you say is what you mean

In the middle of the night I hear you say

You know how much I love you, right

In those times I feel what you say is true

But when day breaks my certainty fights

It’s the capsules you take daily that keep you alive

Those are the things that create balance in your mind

I understand that whole-heartedly, but sometimes I want you to let go

I want you to have the freedom to stretch your arms and let creativity flow

I want you to be able to tell me with conviction what you feel

Then I will know everything you say is what is real

To have a moment of emersion, of consensual melting

To fall into one another with what love brings

Then I swallow realities pill consciously

Let it absorb into my blood system quite quickly

And are snapped back to the truth of circumstance

That things are the way they are no matter my plea

I’d rather have pieces of you, then nothing at all

A great puzzle you are the years we have been

Hopefully one day I will still have the energy

To find all the parts of you once again

And one day this routine will be broken

And time we will have like all those nights before

And the glorious consumption will be of us two

When we are together for granted I will take no more…

The Indestructible Heart

The heart is this indestructible thing

You can’t fully destroy what you can not quite see,

You can bend it, you can break it

Into a thousand pieces you can shake it,

But love…this love that spurs from within

For whatever mystical reason will slowly mend,

The broken pieces that lay lost on the floor

Into a beautiful mosaic of more love than before,

Now there are three Greek words for love

Eros, Philia, and Agape which I will speak of,

Eros is that funny feeling of butterflies taking flight

It thrives on romantic evenings and passions that ignite,

It’s the flame in the heart that burns without control

It’s the fingers of love that reaches for the soul,

But Eros has a string attached to its toe

It flies as long as perception allows it to grow,

But once perception of love has been lost

Eros will vanish no matter the cost,

Philia is the name of friendships that are grown

A first encounter and the seed is sewn,

The soil is nutritious and the time seems right

For a friendship to sprout reaching for light,

Two become one through this chemical reaction

Of common interests that draw this attraction,

As times steady fingers keep turning this page

The years have gone by as we begin to age,

There are some that stick by for years to come

There are those that flicker with this flames faint hum,

Eros we find can’t be completely trusted

Neither can Philia for ties can be busted,

Words can be spilled like red wine on the floor

Purity is stained once pain touches the core,

Forgiveness becomes an act of a steady hand

Situation depending if we take our stand,

If we put our pride aside and open our hearts

A friend we may discover on this journey’s start,

And a friend we may keep as this flower forms

Into a beautiful creation that the heart transforms,

The third type of love is that of Agape

Who surpasses all forms that I have conveyed,

Under the depth of Agape’s sky

Eros and Philia’s will forever thrive,

Agape are the teachings of Christ our Lord

Who gave his own son for the sinners of the world,

It has no border no boundaries to be seen

It is free of sin and its presence pristine,

I see Agape of how our mother loves us so

It’s effortless, it’s painless, and continues to grow,

She has sacrificed her body, her life, and her will

When asked to give more, the cup she overfills,

I see Agape of how our father provides protection

It’s safety, its instinct it’s a natural reaction,

In times of fear he would grow fifteen feet tall

And take us in his arms no matter how big or small,

We learn Agape from how Our Father loves us so

This innate sense to give and so it grows,

So here are my words to you this day

That I cherish the love you give in God’s way,

This love that I speak of will never fade

Even after death, its way has been paved,

For this love has no border no boundaries to be seen

It is free of sin and its presence pristine…

Here We Go Again

I seem to do this every year. I make a list of the things that i will try and do "please insert year here". The one thing that i succeed in is not finishing what i tend to start. I say this with utmost regret because usually good ideas spark, but something always seems to step in the way...whether it be life in general, time that seems limited, or just flat out dedication that is lacking. This is why i enjoy structure. As much as i hate the routines of my life, i enjoy that i have them because they sort of set me on a path. I used to not be this way, i would used to LOVE to stray from my pebbled road and wander off and see where it would take me...NOW...not so. I freak out at the thought of just a single pinky toe stepping out of bounds. Perhaps i can chalk it up to the fact that i am a honorary CONTROL FREAK (of which, by the way, I have worked hard for many years).

So good news as of yesterday. My brother called at 8:30 in the morning, which threw me into a panic because i call him the caller of "death." For some reason after a relative passes away, he seems to be the barer of bad news. I don't know why he was picked to deliver this sort of news to me, perhaps its because we have this certain kindred connection (besides the fact that he is my brother) and for some reason i always have felt closer and more comfortable with him. Who knows. Back to the story, i was panicking and i say in a deep concerned voice, "What Is Wrong." He is quiet on the other end, hesitant to speak, and anxiety starts to build in this rib cage of mine. I was not prepared AT ALL for the next few words to come out of his mouth. "You are going to be an Auntie." "WHAAAAAT?," I say in complete amazement. So after the initial shock wears off, i start asking questions and accept the details...and i start telling everyone i know.

There is nothing up to this point that has filled me with happiness than finding out that my younger brother is going to be a daddy...(phew...now the pressure is off of me for a while). See for him its easy, bada bing bada boom and here is this little living thing the size of a tic-tac in the uterus. For me, it will take a thought out plan. First monetary support, two, a carefully selected unknowing "baby daddy." We will in affect go on a smash and grab of some sperm at our local bank, or we can always use Fed-ex (true story a friend of ours had sperm delivered through fed-ex, how convenient, our modern day Stork). I guess in affect it will be like ordering a coffee from Starbucks. I would like a skinny, vanilla, latte, with no whip please...credit card? oh yes, right here...swipe and transaction complete. Turkey baster (check), helping hand, being my partner (check), legs in the air (check), candles (i would prefer some romantic interaction here) (check check), candles away from flammables (oh yes check check check). Now inseminate. See straight couples they just get lucky. One mishap and Ooops, or perhaps a set plan, and a blessing is created. We gays, it takes a little more planning...and creativity. Either way i am super excited about this little bundle of joy. My parents finally will have the chance to be grandparents...out of all the brothers and sisters from both my mom and dad combined between the two of them, they are the last to have grand kids...well in 9 months, God willing that will not be so anymore. And perhaps i will have my first sister-in-law as well. Who knows, life has its little surprises every now and then...it sort of tosses icy cold water on your head while you are sound asleep, you know that surprise where you pee just a tiny bit. Well that's how i feel at this point, Oops, just peed...i little bit.

So perhaps this year i shall try to stray from the path a bit. I may try to write in this blog everyday or at least once a week. Hopefully i will be an aunt this year...and if i am lucky i will get knocked up and be raising a kid by this time next year...or...i will be doing the same exact thing next year, one year older, and more wiser (ha!)...writing about the things that i wish i could have done, but haven't yet grabbed the "invisible balls" that have yet to drop to do something about a life... a little less ordinary.

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the wind blows different here
enveloped by trees
nature a garden of life
you can hear the wind in the distance
like a train coming
It drowns out the constant strumming of insects
the cold it numbs my bones and the wind...
here it comes again pushing the cold through my barrier
my skin
it's so peaceful out here
no sirens interrupting the night
no horns or cars racing by to beat of the light
just friendly company and the sound of nature swinging from branches in the night
i love this what a great release
what a great break in the routine of the rush of monotony

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roots grow from the bottom of my feet
rivers branching streams into the soft soil
connections granted from those that we meet
our growth and knowledge of the world that surrounds... recoils
these underground tunnels that have formed
become the foundations of who we are
these things remain beneath our skin breathing in these contained dorms
they are synonymous with the beating of our hearts
the surface begins to blossom
reaching toward the distant sun
feeling our roots and remembering where we came from
This is when we realize that growth has now begun
the days flip the pages of the seasons
and years catch the current of the wind that blows
daily we reach for the light approaching meaning
while our outsides continue to grow

TO THE ONES THAT I LOVE AND DEARLY MISS

I have never understood real loss. I can now say that i have had a bit of that bitter sweet moisture on my tongue. They say that the hardest of those to lose are your parents. I can say though that losing my grandparents has been quite a hit to the heart.

I was told when we were watching them slowly slipping away, to instead of panic, sit back in the audience watching God's amazing work, watch the way he moves these intricate parts with precision, and perfection while enjoy this flavorful bucket of "free-refilled" popcorn .

We lost my grandmother last month, December the 8th on my grandfathers 80th birthday. A good friend told me that death is just the beginning. It has been compared to a vehichle traveling along...our souls are the drivers, and we transport from one place to another. It's not until you actually have seen death in front of you that you begin to fathom the reality...the resolution of what the end actually looks like. Its frightening, yet in the same ever so beautiful.